It took me a long time to realize that the most important relationship I have is the one I have with myself. I have been like a drill sergeant for a long time, working on improving myself, my lifestyle my world. It started taking it's toll and even though I knew it, I didn't want to admit it - my external reality was a reflection of my internal reality.
I couldn't receive congratulations or recognition from others, even though I craved it, because I couldn't give it to myself.
The drill sergeant in my head was relentlessly pushing me to do more, be better and that started coming out in my sports coaching and fitness training with my clients. I'd talk to them in my nice voice but in my head I was quietly judging myself "Why wouldn't they just listen to me and do as they're told?" "Do they even want the results they say they do?"
I felt like I wasn't good enough, not qualified enough, not worth listening to...or they would be. I wasn't really listening to me either
The link to the Brainz Magazine article below highlights the 5 different types of imposter syndrome. As I read it I realized I had experienced each one and considered how I might turn it around to move me forward instead of dragging me down.
1. The Perfectionist: I have a lot of pride in what I do and I want everything to be just right before I share it, in case someone criticizes it. How can this work in my favor?
The 80-20 rule comes into play. Is it 80% what I want? Yes, then share it and tweak as I go. It takes a bit of pressure off and it leaves an opening for feedback from others who might have a lot more experience. It doesn't hit to be a masterpiece in progress (sometimes).
2. The Expert: I don't need to know everything, I have Google for that. There are some things I have more knowledge or experience than others in and sometimes sharing that knowledge came at the price of them not learning for themselves.
I've learned that everyone is not like me. When a new topic or experience comes into someone's life, they don't necessarily make an attempt to learn it inside out 🙋. I've also learned that experience is also better knowledge than knowing knowledge
3. The Natural Genius: I have to admit. I don't believe I've ever been a natural at anything. This seems to be where most of my insecurities stem from. All the knowledge, all the skills and abilities have come with a lot of work and persistence. I am always looking for ways to improve or grow myself but it often seems to come at the cost of sanity and enjoyment of the journey
4. The Soloist: No-one else can see my vision or do what I do the way that I want it done so I have to do it all myself or that's how I used to feel. This is one I'm still working on. My perspective has changed a bit because I got sick of doing everything myself - the cooking, the cleaning, the groceries, the business stuff, the garden...as well as whatever jobs (yes, plural!) I had going at the time.
I was tired. My body was exhausted and my mind was disengaged and lacking clarity and creativity.
I put a sock in the drill sergeant's mouth and started noticing the things that were most important to me - not because someone else told me they were important. Everything else I left for others to do their way, as long as it got done (right?). This wasn't easy.
5. The Superhero: I needed to apply my oxygen first but I didn't know what that was. It has been years since I did anything that I felt was fun. I was a different person. I didn't even know what I liked anymore, my soul hadn't been in my body for a looong time.
I was busy running around fixing everyone else's world...or at least taping over the cracks and trying to be everything to everyone - a good mum, a good student, a good employee, a good friend and I lost sight of who I was.
I wasn't comparing myself to anyone else any more but to the person I wanted to be...and I still wasn't there yet.
I started focusing on myself (Sovereignty) and sorting out ways to be a superhero for myself - like that time when Superman was injured by the nuclear/ radioactive man - and learning what my needs were, then fulfilling them on a daily basis.
I am now showing up more authentically than ever and I am starting to care less what others think of me (external validation) and more about what I think of me (self satisfaction).
Maybe I'm just getting old
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